


When all the worst we fear let's fall its weight

by luxinthetuxedo



Category: WTFock | Skam (Belgium)
Genre: I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Outing, Robbe is a mamma's boy, Suicidal Thoughts, everyone is kind of a background character, it's more of an inner monologue, the relationship is mentioned but it's not the main focus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-24
Updated: 2019-11-24
Packaged: 2021-02-17 22:29:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21550789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luxinthetuxedo/pseuds/luxinthetuxedo
Summary: Robbe walked into school that morning, wireless headphones over his ears blasting his music as far as it would go, eyes downcast, feet slowly shuffling forward. He tried to listen to the lyrics of whatever meaningless rap song was playing from his spotify so as not to think too much on the thoughts that were constantly flying through his head.This is just a small one-shot on Robbe's thoughts as he walked to school on Monday after the assault on Friday and the events that followed that weekend.
Relationships: Sander Driesen/Robbe IJzermans
Kudos: 90





	When all the worst we fear let's fall its weight

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first time I've written anything in years, but inspiration struck and I couldn't stop myself from writing this. This is definitely not what I was expecting this fic would be when I started writing it. Things such as mental illnesses, suicidal thoughts, homophobia, gay bashing and outings are discussed in this piece, please tread carefully, I don't want to make anyone feel bad. The title is from the song Be by Hozier. Any comments or kudos are very much appreciated.

Robbe walked into school that morning, wireless headphones over his ears blasting his music as far as it would go, eyes downcast, feet slowly shuffling forward. He tried to listen to the lyrics of whatever meaningless rap song was playing from his spotify so as not to think too much on the thoughts that were constantly flying through his head.

He kept replaying Saturday night over and over. The boys with their stupid comments as usual, Jens’ slightly worried face, Noor’s accusations being hurled at him, his desperation to just make her stop, every word coming out of her mouth feeling like a shard of glass in his chest. Then, Sander. Their whirlwind little romance, his kisses, his touch, how he made everything in his head just stop when he was in his presence but suddenly threw everything into hyper speed the moment he left. Their date and then, the assault. The punches, the kicks, the words, all of it being thrown at him with so much hate and vitriol. The pain, the absolute pain and fear and embarrassment over what had happened. The shame of it all. How Noor’s words hit him so differently after that night. It was too much, he couldn’t bear it, he couldn’t, he couldn’t, he couldn’t-

Enough.

That’s enough.

He stopped in his tracks, forced himself to take a deep, somewhat steady breath.

He tried to concentrate again on the lyrics of the song. He started counting the tiles in the pavement as he inched closer to school. He tried anything to stop himself from lingering too much on the thoughts flying around his head. If he stopped and thought too much on them, he would end up just like he did on Saturday night, standing on a ledge, confused and in pain, scared, so very scared, but most of all tired and desperate. He just wanted it to stop.

No.

He couldn’t linger on that either.

He knew first hand just how painful it can be when someone you love tries to end it all. He doesn’t want to put the people he loves through that, he can’t. He loves them too much.

His thoughts start materialising again, this time on his mother. He misses her so much. Right now, he wishes she could just be his mother again so that he can run straight into her arms for comfort, that comfort only a mother can truly give. Her arms, a place where he used to feel so safe. His nightmares would go away, his every fear would disappear the moment his mother held him in her arms and softly tread her hands through his hair, whispering little words of comfort in his ears just wanting to soothe her little boy. He used to tell her everything, she was his confidant, but now he’s scared that the next thing he tells her will be the one to finally break her.

He just wants her to get better.

This line of thought is just making him more miserable. He feels lonelier by the second. His father is a dick, his mother lives in an in-patient facility and isn’t even lucid half of the time he visits her, his friends don’t see how their words affect him, Jens doesn’t notice how shit things are, Noor hates him, Sander wasn’t there when he needed him the most. The only person he can count on right now is Milan and he almost ruined that too.

Despite all of this, he promises to himself he will go visit his mother that afternoon.

He runs the conversation he had with Zoë Saturday morning over his head again. She’s seeing a therapist. His mother is getting psychological help. He knows for a fact how good that can be, how much it can help. Technically, he knows there’s no shame in it. He’s very grateful to every doctor that has ever helped his mother, truly. But he doesn’t know if he’s ready to talk about everything that’s happened, doesn’t know if he can. But he knows it can help. He wishes he could just talk to Jens about it. Maybe he should ask Zoë for her therapist’s number. No. No. She’ll just worry about him. He doesn’t want her to worry. She’s got enough problems to deal with. He can’t be a burden to her. On the contrary, he wishes he could help her somehow. Zoë doesn’t deserve to go through that. It’s so frustrating.

He´s almost at school now. He crosses the main doors, walks down the corridor but stops at the patio doors. The sun is shining today in Antwerp. The boys are lounging about on one of the picnic tables closest to him, like every morning, talking nonsense probably. The girls are on the other side of the courtyard. Zoë is sharing her homework she'd quickly printed this morning with a yawning Luca, while Amber excitedly tells them about some green milkshake she’s drinking. Jana is talking with Britt, Yasmina is slowly walking towards them. Jana is talking with Britt. Britt.

His heart stops. He can’t breathe. Oh god. Oh no. Please no.

He can’t take his eyes off of them. He needs to know what they’re saying.

Jana is frowning. Why is Jana frowning? Britt looks pissed. Please god no. No no no.

Jana seems angry now. Why? What’s happening? Is it drama over Jens again? Please let it be about Jens.

What would Jana do if she found out? Would she hate him? Would she tell everybody? Ridicule him? Would she keep his secret? Would she connect the dots about why he broke her and Jens up? He doesn’t want Jana to hate him, not her too.

Jana starts talking back to Britt. She’s not one to be angry and aggressive but that side of her is coming out now. Britt looks taken aback, like she didn’t think that was the response she was going to get.

Yasmina has caught up to them now. She starts to frown as she listens to their conversation. Jana tries to shut the conversation down as soon as she notices her, but Yasmina’s face shows she’s heard enough. She looks between the two and starts talking back to Britt in that same tone Jana was using. Jana then turns, as if checking to see that no one is listening to their conversation but then she sees Robbe staring at them. Frozen. He can’t move, can’t think.

Jana starts to move towards him and it brings him out of his trance. He has to get out of there. He can’t face her. He’s not ready. It was his secret to tell, not anyone else’s. His. It was his. This isn’t how it should happen. He should get to choose when and how and who, not like this. He has to get out of there right now.

He runs. He starts running straight out of school, down the street. He just keeps running. He doesn’t even know where he’s going.

Just keep running and don’t stop. Stop and you’ll have to face it. Just keep running. Keep running.

His lungs start to burn. His headphones fell somewhere; he doesn’t even remember the music stopping. His legs are screaming at him. His brown jacket catching in the wind as he runs.

He can’t keep going. He can’t. It’s too much. He can’t breathe. He can't breathe. He can't breathe.

He stops.

He doesn’t want to open his eyes and face reality, but eventually, he does. He’s disoriented at first, but it only takes Robbe a couple of seconds to recognise his surroundings. It’s his mother’s clinic. He ran all the way from his school to his mother’s clinic. He ran to her. In his moment of need, he went back to the safest place in his universe, his mother.


End file.
